how to be more confident: 6 tactics, from telling the truth to cutting one word

Chris says the thing he wishes he had known sooner is that "confidence and strength are not two of the same things". you do not have to look like you never doubt yourself. his definition, on the transcript: "Confidence is telling people exactly how you do feel about things." and the payoff: "if you tell the truth in any given situation with regards to confidence, you're kind of bulletproof from anyone calling you out". nobody can expose a doubt you already said out loud.

the tactic: stop managing how you come across. the episode also takes apart the word self-conscious. when people say it, the hosts argue, what they mean is "I am conscious of other people being conscious of me." the common fix they mention is to turn your attention outward: ask people how they are doing, instead of sitting inside your own head.

try this week: in one low-stakes conversation, say the plain truth where you would normally polish it, like I'm nervous about this, or I don't know yet. then ask the other person one real question about them and listen to the full answer.

the hosts borrow an idea from Jordan Peterson: "your bedroom is a domain of competence within everybody's capacity". almost anyone can clean their room. once you have, you move on to the kitchen, then to helping someone else. their closing advice, on the transcript: "Find a domain of competence and start to push it a little bit." over time you "start to set the bar slightly higher and slightly higher".

the tactic: repeat the scary thing on purpose. one of the hosts remembers his first video: "I had to re-record 25 times". the fear faded because of the reps, not a pep talk. his explanation: "you apply repeated scary stimuli, you become less sensitive to them." today a live video does not scare him.

try this week: pick one tiny domain you control, like making your bed or a 10-minute walk, and do it every day. then pick one thing that scares you a little, like a voice note or a short video, and do it five times this week. do not post the first take.

Jocko has had to build up the confidence of young officers who hesitated when it was time to make a call. he does not give them a speech. on the transcript he says: "I'm going to give you a task that I know you can do". not a joke task, but one they can win. then a slightly bigger one. the dose matters: "if I overwhelm you with it you're going to be scared of it". for you alone, the recipe is the same: "Train study work practice". about public speaking: "You started small and you built a little bit of confidence and then you went a little bit bigger".

the tactic: name the imposter feeling out loud. "I don't think imposter syndrome is a bad thing," he says. if you feel it, "It's actually a good indication that you're humble". his move for a new project is to tell the room up front: "this is my first time running a project like this", and ask people to flag your mistakes. once it is on the table, there is nothing left to expose.

try this week: write down one skill you want to be confident in and three steps on it, from easy to scary. do step one this week. if you start something new, open with this: this is my first time doing this, so tell me if you see me going off track.

anxiety and excitement feel almost the same in your body: racing heart, sweaty palms. Brooks says, on the transcript, "it's essentially they're the same emotion". what changes is the label. in her karaoke study, people were told to say how they felt right before singing in front of others: "People who said I'm anxious sing worse compared to people who say I'm excited."

the tactic: say it out loud. the move is "literally saying things out loud like I'm excited". she says it helps you "focus on opportunities rather than threats". she is honest about the limits: "It doesn't always work, right?" if something truly dreadful is happening, a label will not fix it. it works best when you are torn between nervous and excited.

try this week: before your next meeting, call or date, say I'm excited out loud, once, even if it feels silly. then picture one way the next 10 minutes could go well.

Abrahams says you "have to manage both symptoms and sources". symptoms are what your body does. his own are sweating and blushing, so, on the transcript: "I will always hold something cold before I speak". sources are the thoughts behind it, often fear of a bad outcome. the fix is to get into the present, and his favorite way is odd but simple: "I like to say tongue twisters out loud." write your tools down, because "just having that plan helps reduce the anxiety you have".

the tactic: do not point at your nerves. "A lot of people try to pre-apologize for their nervousness, and all they do is prime us to pay attention to everything they do that's nervous." if you lose your place, his first step is: "Retrace your steps. Repeat what you just said." if that fails, ask the room a question to buy a moment.

try this week: write a two-line anxiety plan. line one, for your body: like a cold drink in your hand. line two, for your mind: like a tongue twister three times. use both before your next talk or hard call, and drop the sorry, I'm nervous opener.

Fisher's rule: "confidence is as assertive does". on the transcript he says: "You can't just conjure up the feeling of confidence. You only get it by doing assertive things." and doing starts with single words. the worst one is just, as in just wanted to check in. "Just has a way of making you sound hesitant." "If you remove the word just, now you're leaning into it."

the tactic: fewer words, slower. he warns that the longer your answer, the more questions you get, so you have to "say more with less". and when you have to hold a line, slow your words down. in the episode he has Steven Bartlett say the same sentence fast and then slow, to show how much more in control the slow version sounds.

try this week: before you send any message today, search it for just and delete it. then pick one thing you need to say this week, write it in one sentence, and say it out loud slowly before you say it for real.