"Modern Dating Makes People More Insecure" - Matthew Hussey

Stop Confusing Attention for Intention, and Intention for Investment

Hussey breaks attraction into four components: chemistry, perceived value, perceived challenge, and connection. Most dating mistakes happen when people mistake having one of these for having all three. The first confusion is attention versus intention. Two people can have incredible chemistry, feel deeply connected, and spend every weekend together, and that says nothing about what the other person actually wants or where they see things going. As Hussey puts it, attention is not intention. People read the feeling of connection as evidence of shared goals, which is how someone ends up six months in with a person who was never looking for what they were looking for. The second confusion is intention versus investment. Even when someone genuinely says they want a relationship, wanting something and being able to back it up are different things. A person can mean every word they say about wanting commitment and still be incapable of consistency, exclusivity, or any real sacrifice when it comes down to it. The gap between what someone says they want and what they can actually deliver is where most people get hurt. Hussey's point is that early chemistry is the worst possible signal to use for predicting long-term suitability, because it is the most compelling feeling and the least predictive variable.